4 ur konsiderashun

ITEM: Don't look now, but have you noticed that almost everybody in charge of anything is a complete and utter moron?

Before someone is elected, promoted, tenured, crowned, or licensed, they should be able to pass this basic matching test.

________ 1. My ass

________ 2. A hole in the ground


A.




B.



An honorary button will be awarded to anyone who can NAME.THAT.ASS!! Go on. Take a stab.

**********

ITEM: Stock photos of men's asses are unexpectedly difficult to find on the World Wide Web. It takes a long time because each possibility has to be carefully weighed and considered for inclusion on my blog. Comparisons have to be made with other asses. Drawings were briefly considered but almost immediately dismissed.

**********

ITEM: We all know it's a dog eat dog world. But now you, too, can get in on the action!!! Thanks again to Professor Vice, my personal Blog-Fun Locator (getcher own) for coming up with this spectacular find. Apparently this is available at WalMart. WHO KNEW such a work of art could find purchase in those ignominous surroundings! I'm venturing a guess that some Happy Chef had fun adding what I take to be little piles of poopy??

BONE APPETIT!!

**********

ITEM: I know some of you are fit to be tied to finally have resolved the outcome of the Noisy Hotel Guests Next Door. Well. We spent most of the next day in Charleston. Arrived back to Isle of Palms (where, according to the news today, fines are to be levied on sandcastles left on the beach and not dismantled; what's the world coming to??) at the hotel--quiet as a tomb. For about 45 minutes until the gates of hell crashed open wide and the Crew in Question came barreling screaming hurtling spinning into their room. The Huz, hereafter referred to as "The Huz," apparently noticed a familiar homicidal glint in my eye and said

he: do you want me to call the front desk and complain?

me: that would be GREAT! Would you? I'll love you FOREVAH!!!!

[I can't use phones, see]

silence

me: so......?

he: are they really bothering you THAT much?

me: uh gee let me think YEAH

he: [with an imposed-upon sigh picks up phone, which is dead, which seems to settle the matter but then he sees another phone across the room and it's alive! and calls] can you send someone blah blah noisy blah wife looks crazy-mad blah blah avoid police involvement yak yak yes last room on the hall thanks!

me: hmph. we'll see.

Few minutes later though what do you know! We hear a knock on the next door door (miraculously still standing), muffled managerial voices are interspersed with suddenly-respectful tones from The Offensive Guests and, much to my crazy surprise, they were mighty decently-behaved folks for the rest of our stay. I know this is a disappontment, and I am sorry.

In a minor twist of irony, however, as we were taking our bags out to the car to leave, OUR hotel door handle came off in MY hand! Wouldn't it make more sense......?

Nah. So little does....

UPCOMING ITEM: This just in from My BlogDetective:

"I was driving down 138, headed to I-20 and saw a truck pass by with a PERFECT slogan that would be lovely for your blog, or so I thought, but I was unable to whip out the iphone in time. I almost turned around to chase the fucker down, but we were on the way to the Emory eye clinic, and I could not afford to make us late. I WILL see that truck again, and I WILL take the pix."

Never mind whatever emergency was warranting a visit to the Emory eye clinic. What about my blog????

Goodbye to Figs

Figaro
Feb 4, 1996-Mar 25, 2008

A couple of weeks ago, I noticed that Figgy didn't appear to be feeling well, so I took him to the vet, who diagnosed him with a kidney infection and a heart murmur. He got special food and an IV bag so that I could give him fluids twice a week. As some of you may know, Figs fell off the railing of a second story deck in Sept 2005, possibly hitting the bannister on the way down, hurting his spine so that he was unable to walk normally. His back legs could move, but he wasn't able to stand on them. He was fine, otherwise, and adjusted quickly to his new handicap. He wore diapers, newborn size: I just cut a hole for his tail and away he'd go! I--and my family, in my absence--gave him what we called "heiney baths"--which involved a chance to poopy, some antibiotic cream and zinc oxide ointment to prevent chafing, and a diaper change. It was our little routine. There was nothing pitiful about Figgy; on the contrary, he was one lucky, happy little cat. I know some folks would have probably gone for euthanasia--but this little bairn had so much personality--was so fussy and so lovable at the same time--and most of the time seemed to feel GREAT. I loved taking care of him. He was born in a bedroom closet 12 years ago, and I still have his mama. His two siblings that we kept, Oedipuss and Scamper (Fluffy) are already gone.

But at the end of last week, he had that pinched look on his face that cats with kidney failure get, and didn't seem to be gaining his weight back. Amber took care of him while we were at the beach, but at 3:30 Tuesday morning he felt cold and wasn't responding normally, so she took him to the emergency animal hospital, and then on to his regular vet (Hope Animal Clinic---THE best vets), who said they would try stabilizing him with fluids and food. C and I left for home around noon on Tuesday, and the reports were that Figs seemed to be doing better: his temperature was back up to normal. But later that afternoon. he had a seizure of sorts, and the vets started working on him with oxygen and CPR. We got home around 4:30 and I left to go see him at the vet, but Dr. Turick called the house as I was on my way to say that he was dying and that we should come to say goodbye. He apparently had just died when I got there. It's so hard to say goodbye to this pure little spirit. I keep feeling as if there's something I should be doing. The little package of diapers still sits in the bathroom; his pillow is still in his seat. (He needed help in getting up in his seat, and would let me know he wanted up by putting a paw up on the pillow and looking at me, but he could launch himself out with no trouble at all....landing whomp on that diaper and scooting off like nobody's business. He could FLY when he needed to.....like when the vacuum was pulled out). It's always so hard to let them go, these little friends. Figs is my third cat to die in less than a year.

One of Amber's friends suggested that we plant a fig tree in the yard in his honor. That's such a beautiful idea.

goodbye, little figgy

:(

Gonna have to close for repairs.
Come up for air. Suck it up.
Pull it together. Dig heels in.
Batten hatches. Turn both cheeks. Cry over spilt milk. Read between the lines and

lather


rinse


repeat

What th'??

Well, what do you know. My youtube from March 19 decided to post today. As promised, I jerked it straight down. I don't hafta put up with that insanity.

More later, dogs.

What to Call This? You Decide......

This is a photo of a house belonging to folks who are apparently blessed with the enviable talent of tacky celebration. This is going to be the lamest post ever because I can't concentrate worth shit. And I'm going to tell you why in a minute. Anyway, you should see this place at Christmas, but they definitely give Easter a run for its money, and have for the past 20 years, since I moved to the same town.

Here's a more close up version:

I can't concentrate because I'm in a hotel room. At a beach. Here is a picture of the beach taken this afternoon, of a father and daughter (I'm guessing) flying a kite.

And this picture is of a very dressed-up Asian family taking photos on the beach. The woman has some very nice evil stiletto heels on her boots, and the gentleman is in a suit.

However. I have this.....personality trait, I guess you'd say.....I am unbelievably irked by other people's noise. For instance. This isn't one of those super-cheap motels, like a Motel 6 or so, with paper thin walls. But there's a family next door with what sounds to be about 25 kids and at least one screeching infant. There's a sliding glass door leading to a balcony, and the kids, by the Sounds of Things, are conducting an experiment to see how many times they can slide this door back and forth in an hour. My guess is 2,517. The parents, if such creatures exist in the midst of this next-door chaos, have brought a jackhammer with them and are dismantling the hotel room down to the sheet rock. Hey, anything not to try to soothe a crying baby, huh?Seriously, there must be 20 or 30 people in this room. Four or five kids will run up and down the atrium thing-y, the entrance-way to the rooms, and slam the door so hard I can feel it in my chest.

The baby has been crying solid for, bare minimum, two hours.

But the thing is, my husband is reading on the couch and doesn't appear to be the least bit bothered by all this!!! I keep glancing at him when a particularly loud crash occurs, and he shows no signs of hearing it whatsoever!!! I think maybe if I could change one thing about myself, it would be this: to be less irritated by noises outside my head. I have ALWAYS been this way. I can remember being 3 or 4 years old and annoyed by noise. So you'd think I'm ADD or such, but ironically I have incredible powers of concentration: I mean I can stay at the same task for very long periods of time (like five-six hours, honestly) without taking a break, completely absorbed, as long as I don't have total assholes around me like these who have rented the hotel room next. I haven't been to a movie in a theatre in years because the chances are almost guaranteed there will be some asswipe there with a cell phone going off or yakking during the movie and I'll feel like causing them some sort of physical harm. I haven't yet. But.

So if I talk about how I get so annoyed by people's noise and crap, I look like a complete bitch. And that's no fun. But believe me, really, it is miserable for me when I get pissed about people and can't move past it.

I had a little Easter story to tell, actually, but I think I'll save it for tomorrow, as I've complained over-long here tonight.

Heinous Omission

For some reason, the list below omits a portrait that was on the original list I saw some months ago. But fear not! For I have located it and without further ado I wish to share:

Dawn and her recently exhumed sister, Gorgotha, pose with Scraps.

Vote for Your Fave!

http://listoftheday.blogspot.com/2007/09/great-olan-mills-photos.html

Great captions!

What's your favorite?

I'm torn between Hiroshima and Third Wheel.

I Gave at the Office

Well, criminy jickets. About eight hours have elapsed since I tried posting a youtube video. I believe it's high time to give up on the mofo and post a mere link to it. Should the mofo have the gall to post itself henceforth, rest assured that it will be ceremoniously jettisoned from my blog, sans tears, sans regret.

Here.

*****
Certainly, the South hasn't cornered the market on ugly racism or the KKK; nonetheless, it has admittedly traditionally found association with the hooded haters. But not until 1988 did I ever see a member of the KKK in full sheet and hood. Before 316 was finished between Athens and Atlanta, one had to take (the much slower route of) Highway 29 through Statham, Winder, Dacula, etc. On one such family trip to Atlanta, sitting in our car at a redlight in Winder, GA, Amber, aged 4, pipes up from the backseat, "Look! Ghosts!" Indeed, in the middle of the intersection were 5 or 6 figures dressed in what's widely considered to be ghostly couture, except of course for the separate pointy hood. What were they doing there? Why, taking up money! They had their jars and little pails, like the Shriners when they're collecting for a cause or worth, like handicapped children, but the KKK cause was unclear. For what were they using the money? To buy crosses to burn in front yards? Or worse? But the most disturbing aspect of the whole experience was the enthusiasm with which others sitting at the redlight were rolling down their windows and stuffing cash in the KKK collection plates! When one passed by my car (I glared hatefully and didn't roll down MY window!) I noticed that the jar he (or she? Who can tell a coward's gender when any features are swathed in white from head to toe?) carried didn't hold nickels and quarters and a dollar here and there, but was stuffed to the top with tens and twenties.

Perhaps you saw the advertisement for the CD, Aryan Awakening (past post). If you wondered, like I did, what the heck these recordings might offer, well, here's a taste. (Hopefully, like me, you have a difficult time sitting through this slide show. The children pictured herein should be considered abused, I think. Just horrible. I'm reminded of MLKing's profession of sadness in "Bham Jail" at the "distortion of personality" that hatred causes in our children.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ndz59i2M8Bg

Waiting on MyTube

What is up with this massive delay youtube is having in posting? Is it just me? I am often the sole victim of the wrath of huge corporate congomerates, so it wouldn't surprise me one bit.

While we wait, wanna see some pictures?

This week, I had a security system installed in the house. I'm pretty obsessive about such things. I mean, we just moved in six years ago next week. I plan to finish unpacking by then. Anyway, one of my cats, Cubby, has a bad case of the curiosities; he loves learning about the People World, and has to be kept under tight vigilance. For instance, he has watched and learned how to push the water and ice buttons on the refrigerator so, if we don't block those, we have water and ice all over the floor. He watches all very intently. He loves when workmen come around so that he can learn something about a new skill. But when I noticed him rummaging around in SecurityMan's workbag and taking out a long shank of wire, Cubby had to go into lock-down in the bathroom. Here he is, appearing despondent for his public.

Here's a photo I took of a speckled tree on campus yesterday. I thought its markings were reminiscent of a giraffe: (you might have to click for a larger image)

Then, last night, while driving downtown, the sky was dark but with the sun breaking through--my very favorite light.

Then I met Jennifer and Rachel and Ron at Siri Thai for a yummy meal! Here they are:

Touchdown for Jesus!

And the Lord went upon the mountain, and spake unto them, "Behold! Thou shalt form a small huddle, and therein shalt thou decide to run the holy icon eighty cubits down the field unto the eta-shaped post, and thereby shalt thy team be honored among men, and a heavenly host shall descend with trumpets, and tubas, and big bass drums, proclaiming loudly thy fame."

Lactose the Lurker was kind enough to remind me of this righteous statuary available here http://catholicshopper.com/products/inspirational_sport_statues.html

Growing up, I was abyssmally bad at sports. I'd go as far as to say that I royally, regally sucked. As far as I know, I've not improved, though I'm so traumatized by the past that I've not the courage to find out. The very mention of the word "volleyball" is enough to give me nightmares. At bat, I'd be so nervous that once the ball left the pitcher's hand, I'd just swing wildly. Once I did accidentally hit the ball, and I was so excited that I took the bat with me to first base. But the WORST was when I played kickball and actually MISSED the ball and fell flat on my back! I mean, who misses the ball in kickball?? Me, that's who. Needless to say, I was NOT first picked when the teams were divvying up. Or second, third, fourth, fifth.......

So what I wanna know is: where was Jesus when I needed him???

Checkkk it out!!!!

I need for you, yes, to stop whatever you are doing and direct your full and undivided attention to what I'm about to show you. Forget any other web site I've directed you to. This one tops the charts. I myself am nearly paralyzed by that special blend of joy and disgust, so I'll just let the pictures and the site speak for themselves.

A sampling:

"The statue comes with or without lighted eyes and makes a nice display item and is also great as a gift or collectors item."

Wow. I mean, wow.

Please take a few minutes to peruse the catalogue for more Christian Hate merchandise:

http://www.ozarkcraft.net/

Many many thanks to Josef, who allowed me to know that things like this exist on earth... and are for sale... with lighted eyes.... for ten dollars extra.

praize jezus

I just now saw this on the TeeVee and thought I'd better trot it out quick-like in cased somebody's needin help.

Dollar ninety nine. Can't beat dat!

nature soup divorce

Yesterday: first azalea blooms of '08 appear on bushes in my yard.

~~~

This Heather Mills creature is about to get on my last nerve.

~~~

I've become reacquainted with an old friend:

Italian wedding soup. Mmmmm.

~~~

Also
yesterday: we had yet another visitor: around 9 am, I heard an unfamiliar tapping sound (unlike the woodpeckers. who sound like they're attacking the house with a jackhammer, this was more tentative); upon investigation I found a cardinal crazily pecking at his reflection in the dining room window. He continued doing so until dark, easily ten hours worth of this obsession; as the day wore on, emboldened by the brave little bird he saw in the glass, he added more dangerous actities to his repertoire, such as flying hard into the glass; and when I got home from class today, he was at it again, pecking and throwing himself against the glass.
Why this is so
I do not know.

InOutMeYouHereThere

and if I die before i learn to speak
can money pay for all the days
i lived awake but half asleep?

--primitive radio gods

Saturday Night Dinner Guests

“True friendship's laws are by this rule expressed,

Welcome the coming, speed the parting guest.”

--Alexander Pope

~~

What's more fun that having dinner guests show up unannounced? Not bloody much!

Tonight, wayworn from the day's rain and 'nado threats, Billy Ray Coon graced us with a visit. When offered a serving of Iam's Special Recipe for Cats, Billy Ray replied, "Why, don't mind if I do!" Amid our apologies for having no 'coon fare (mostly berries, insects, and live chickens) in the house, Billy Ray hastened to assure us, being the omnivorous mammal that he is, that he found the dish at hand more than adequately delish. He was a jocular fellow and a masterful storyteller. Oh the tales he spun---of thievery, mischief, and vandalism, of close calls with animal control, of late-night overturn and inventory of many a trash receptacle. While true that Billy Ray's stories did little by way of dispelling his reputation for pestery, so well did he liven up the place with his anecdotes that we hardly minded the devastation that his ancestors had wrought in 19th century Germany when, seeking food in wine cellars, they became a threat to the nation's wine industry. Later, as a toast to his great great grandpappy Heinrich Waschbar, in fact, Billy Ray poured us all a glass of the lovely 2004 Louis Guntrum Penguin Eiswein he happened to have tucked in his waistcoat. In fact, we had several glasses, drinking, with teary-eyed nostalgai, to der Opa! "Liquid gold!" Billy declared of the wine, smacking his lips over its intensely ripe bouquet and sweetly concentrated floral palate before quoting a rather obscure passage from Goethe, belching loudly, and waddling off somewhat unsteadily into the night.



After Billy's departure, as we were in the library having a late coffee and recovering from his yarns and vintage, we heard a fresh clamor on the deck. "Hark! Who goes?" Why, if it weren't Edgar Allan Poessum, come by for a late snack of Iam's!
Edgar, though, is as taciturn as Billy is insouciant, and, as is his usual wont, he ate, then ran.

Which is fine, as we were out of wine, and it was late.

to stave off litigation:

http://www.finewinehouse.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=21647

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Raccoon

My Review of Lowest Price of the Season! The Hunter Storage Bench

When I was about to hit "submit," I noticed a "submit to your blog" option. My GOD how could I resist???

Originally submitted at CedarChests.com

Bring sophistication and elegance into your home with the Hunter Storage Bench. Split side storage.

Lowest Price of the Season! The Hunter Storage Bench

My Hunter Storage Bench

By SouthernDingDong from Athens, GA on 3/15/2008

4out of 5

Pros: Easy to Move, Attractive Design, Good Height, Sturdy

Cons: Difficult to Assemble

Best Uses: Storage, Living Room

Describe Yourself: Crazy but Mostly Nice

This little gal looks nice, exactly as advertised in the photo, but I have no idea what others are talking about when they say she's easy to put together! She was a BRAT. Three family members wrangled with her before she was finally sedated, subdued, and displayed in her proper position. Of particular interest to me is how folks dealt with the insane hardware that allows the seats to open. And oh yeah! WHOA, does the stain set up a stench for a few days. It will burn the living daylights out of your eyes and nose. But seriously, all these minuses are only temporary (unless you DON'T win the assembly fight) and it's really a jammin' little chest at an absolutely unbeatable price for the value!

(legalese)

But she sure played a mean pinball!!......

Amber and her beau Dusty drove to Muscle Shoals (that's in far NW Alabama, for those uninitiated into the esoteria of southern geography) this week to have the carpet cleaned and extermination done at the house where my parents, my brother and I lived for many years. I badly need to put it on the market to sell. Muscle Shoals is located on the banks of the Tennessee River; the town forms a wad with three other towns: Sheffield, Tuscumbia, and Florence. Tuscumbia is the birthplace of Helen Keller, and heretofore, as my memory serves, signage advertising this historic site has always been tasteful and rather understated. Usually something along the lines of "Visit Ivy Green--Birthplace of Helen Keller."



This classy approach has, apparently, seen its end. Amber snapped the photo below of a cluster of billboards advertising some of the Shoals area's main attractions. Can you BELIEVE what you are actually seeing here???






It's not just me, right? "See what she couldn't" is in really really poor taste, correct??? Maybe they could have a series of billboards leading into town, with Helen Keller jokes on them.

Another Happy Song!

The name of the song is actually "Douha Aliya" if you should go to youtube and see "3lia." There's a video of Cheb Mami singing, but the sound quality is terrible. Here: much better.
I love this song!!!!

Shopping Flop

HA!! I am laughing my butt off. Did I mention I had a spot of trouble with youtube posting last evening??? NOTHING would post. However, by the Looks of Things, there appears to have been a delay. After I gave up and went to bed, apparently, as I slept, youtube crept in and posted a battalion of videos. I appreciate everyone just standing by in complete awe (and perhaps embarrassment for me) in light of the 97 identical postings.


~~~~~~~~~~


Through my usual haphazard web meanderings, I have come upon an ohh-la-la website, Forzieri-Italiano. Here's a smattering of some of the spring fashion crime I found thereon.

* * * * * *

Next time you're out stealing fom the rich and giving to the poor, you'll want to look your best in this tunic straight from Sherwood Forest. For $758 this dazzler can be yours at www.forzieri.com. Quiver and arrows sold separately.

---------------------------------
WTF?? I just really don't know what to think about this ensemble. If I were this model, I wouldn't want my face shown, either. Honestly, it looks like someone just trying on a pair of kicky strappy sandals to make sure they fit. One wouldn't want to wear this ensemble out of the house, right?



------------------------------
I'm pretty sure I've never in my whole life been in any situation in which this dress might be considered even vaguely appropriate. And I don't think you should either.



-----------
This next little number is touted as "totally feminine and fun!" That color is pistachio, by the way, and the style finds its inspiration in the Renaissance. With espresso detailing and smart cutouts, maybe it looks better on.

SKA!!!!! Just hold my hand while I come......

This song has made me happy for many, many years!!!

Swat with What?

I know how it looks: that I'm pathologically obsessed somehow with flyswats. Let me assure you that such is not the case. HOWEVER. I was ordering this what-I-hope-is a totally badass Tip and Flip Cultivator for what-I-hope-is a totally badass garden this summer. That is, if I'm able to water anything I cultivate, what with this tiresome drought going on--with which I'm completely bored, by the way . This cultivator is made by the Amish. I thought they hated things like TVs and money, but I guess not, since I just sent them $165.90 for the thing.
http://www.lehmans.com/

Anyway, what do you reckon I found on the next page in the catalogue? A LEATHER FLYSWAT!!!! If I may refer you to my post dated Feb 23, you'll see a company claiming to have the ONLY leather flyswat in existence. With my finely honed nose for investigative reporting, I have smoked out the lying mofos, if I might mix a metaphor. And not only that, but look at the price difference!!! For less than five bucks, this baby can be yours. And the ad doesn't pretty up the business at hand, either; I like that. They lay it on the line: "for the extra KILLING POWER you need"!!!!

Perhaps the Amish might be a bit more violence-prone than I originally presumed.....

Leather Fly Swatter
Put an end to pesky flies
Here in Ohio farm country, we've got fly-swatting down to a fine art. Now you can be an expert, too.
Hand-sewn, 1/8"-thick head of tanned cowhide
Extended 15" wire handle
Both combine for the extra killing power you need
20"L
Amish-made in Ohio.
"My very first order was the leather fly swatter and I take pleasure in telling folks, 'This is all Amish made'"-Mrs. Carl Chapman in Tyler, TX

meme mia!

A meme (pronounced /miːm/) consists of any unit of cultural information, such as a practice or idea, that gets transmitted verbally or by repeated action from one mind to another. Examples include thoughts, ideas, theories, practices, habits, songs, dances and moods and terms such as race, culture, and ethnicity. Memes propagate themselves and can move through a "culture" in a manner similar to the behavior of a virus. As a unit of cultural evolution, a meme in some ways resembles a gene. Richard Dawkins, in his book, The Selfish Gene,[1] recounts how and why he coined the term meme to describe how one might extend Darwinian principles to explain the spread of ideas and cultural phenomena. He gave as examples tunes, catch-phrases, beliefs, clothing-fashions, ways of making pots, and the technology of building arches.
Meme-theorists contend that memes evolve by natural selection (similarly to Darwinian biological evolution) through the processes of variation, mutation, competition, and inheritance influencing an individual entity's reproductive success. So with memes, some ideas will propagate less successfully and become extinct, while others will survive, spread, and, for better or for worse, mutate. "Memeticists argue that the memes most beneficial to their hosts will not necessarily survive; rather, those memes that replicate the most effectively spread best, which allows for the possibility that successful memes may prove detrimental to their hosts."[2]


So here's my meme, going out to everyone who reads this.

Say it's 50 years in the future. You are given access to a computer. You are allowed to google one word or phrase. There will be no 404 pages; you will get what you ask for. What will you google???

IMPORTANT CORRECTION: I was in the computer lab at school when I wrote the above, and a class was coming in so I was typing fast. I misrepresented the situation. What I should have said is: It is present day but you are given access to a computer from, say, 2058....
The question is a little like asking a question to a crystal ball, I suppose, but I think the "google" idea puts a bit of a different spin/feel on it.
Management regrets any inconveniences this error might have caused.

One of Those Days........

Love the ambiguity here. Depending on your perspective and imagination I could have had an incredibly horrific day or one so......not.

Guess you'll have to sign up for dinner to find out......

SIGN UP HERE

Okay. Who wants to have dinner with me next week?

Name your evening and restaurant/location preference.

Slots are filling fast! Don't delay!