Why Dudes Don't Wear Foundation

"So, Corky," I sez to Mr. Button on Friday. "Listen. I need you to do me a favor." It was Snap's birthday and one thing she'd asked for was a certain bottle of foundation that I'd neglected to get. And I had to work all day, but Mr B had the day off, furloughed, as it were, as he was helping the State of Georgia get back on its stumbling feet by having several days' pay deducted from his paychecks over a three month period. So I had to send him to the mall.

Sure. What's that?

"I need you to go to the mall and get Amber some make-up."

He looked as if I'd suggested he yank off his toenails with a pair of pliers.

Make-up? I don't know anything about make-up! I don't know what to get...where to go... what to do.....

"Not to worry. I have all that written down. I even have a bottle of mine that you can take with you and show at the counter in case there's a question. All you need to say is that you need this Estee Lauder Equalizer in Linen."

L-E-N-N-O-N??

"No! Not Lennon like John! Linen, like the cloth! Like bed sheets..."

So this is in bed linens?

"What? Of course it's not in bed linens! What would make-up be doing in the bed linens?? It's at the make-up counter!"

Where is that?

"Uh, the HUGE section when you walk in the door? Near perfumes and jewelry??"

Big sigh.
So what do I say?

"I just told you. Take this bottle and say 'I need this in Linen.'"

Why is it called linen?

"I have no idea. Maybe because it sounds prettier than 'Brown Face Goop in a Bottle'?"

Another sigh.
Okay, but don't blame me if this doesn't work out......

".....? And where exactly should I place blame???"

Turns out, all did work out. The Estee Lauder ladies loved him, flirted unmercifully, sounds like, and even asked if he'd like a quick make-over!! Plus, he came away with one of those fabulous "gifts" they give, make-up bag within a make-up bag full of goodies: couple of lipsticks, powder, shadow, night cream, and other empowering products without which all women are naked....

She loves her voice....and it shows!

I don't know how well you'll be able to hear this. I recorded it on my phone at the eye doctor's office back when I was spending several hours a week there. I turned up the treble on the equalizer and doing so made the audio a bit clearer for me, but I don't know if those settings "stay" when I upload somewhere else.

Two waiting rooms at the eye center: the first is a large airy room, a clean-well lighted place, full of sunshine and bromides. The second is a very small purgatorial dumping ground with a TV that loops shows about deep sea life, a room where patients are sent after getting a quick check from a nurse (or lesser aid). I consistently made my appointments at 7:30 am. Turns out the doctor drags in around 9, but an earlier appointment is still "quicker" than a later. As it so happens, the woman in this video had several appointments at the same time as I over about three weeks. Each time, she talked NON-STOP about herself. An amazing performance by any standards, seguing seamlessly from topic to topic with little warning. The first time was the best, but I didn't think of recording her. The next couple of times, my phone's battery was almost dead so I couldn't record. But one morning the phone and her yapping maw were ale to finally converge.

Unfortunately, though, from this video, one might infer that she is halfway normal. I assure you that such is NOT the case. She is MUCH louder in person than indicated here! And each time I saw her, she went full throttle on the same themes: how she comes from excellent stock and will live "forever" and then drop dead; her mother's cataracts; how she plans to avoid cataracts; her recent snorkeling trip (started this vid just after her presentation on this point, but she does touch on it again in the middle, after her "as I was just telling her...") in St. John; how she grew up in California; what a great mother and grandmother she's been because she emphasizes reading; how she performs her job duties better than anyone ever has, ever; her herb garden (the problem??); what strong morals she has; how she's not afraid to speak her mind; and then there's the great braying laugh punctuating this diatribe at inappropriate intervals.

The important point to emphasize here is that this video shows five and a half minutes out of more than an hour of a solid wall of words. If the person to whom she was speaking was called back to his or her appointment, she'd simply shift in her seat and deliver her memorized me-nologue toward the next nearest victim.

The time before this, she was running on and on and on and on with NO ONE responding whatsoever. The woman to whom she was generally directing her words was barely responding, but Sister Yakayak clearly is unable to read body language, and getting a canoe edged into her stream of consciousness is near impossible. When she was called back, there was a silence in the room that just throbbed, almost like a spring that had to finish recoiling before it finally stopped. After about 15 seconds, I just said, "Wow!" out loud, and everyone sort of tittered.

Here, she speaks to a woman with whom she is acquainted. This good patient soul is even, apparently, willing see her daily in a work setting, judging from the fact tha she asks her to send in her vita should she be canned for whistle-blowing on her current supervisor. We all know right and wrong, right?

Okay, clearly I got pretty sick of this woman in my waiting time.....

FeatherSmudge

Things it Pretty Much Sucks to be Behind

"Why, yes, that IS a large rotting rowboat perched precariously against the cab of my pick-up. Hence my top speed of 15 mph."

LOVE the asswipes like this one who are apparently too terrified to pass a tractor trailer but too arrogant to pull over when going under the speed limit. In tow: two very muddy motorcycles.


Ah, yes, another favorite. Two trucks in tandem. The drivers KNOW maintaining the speed limit is difficult when moving up a sharp grade, but do some care? Not these jerks. They stayed side-by-side on 1-20 for about ten miles.

"Follow my listing wobbly ass to CHICKEN E!! Better yet, just wait around till I tip over and grab a leg and breast from the highway spill."

Never mind the tow bed behind. It's ever so much more fun to mount bicycles onto the side of the car! Added bonus: Fuckwad speeds up to warp speed to pass me as left lane is ending only to slow down to ten miles under the limit when I've no time left to pass him.

More passing lane fun. In front of the state prisoners: an ambulance. In front of ambulance: cop car. All going around 50 in a 65 zone. One doesn't wish to risk a ticket by passing this entourage on the right, so one grits teeth and curses being born in lieu of citation.

As God is my witness, I've no clue what this contraption might be. The driver appears to be blissfully unencumbered by concerns over those pesky lane markings.

This weekend I traveled to Alabama to check on the childhood home. I was ready to come back to Georgia within about 15 minutes after my arrival. The neighbor across the street wasn't cutting the grass as promised (his promise involved pay, by the way), so I needed to address that problem. I ended up borrowing my cousin's mower. The grass was so high and there were so many fire ant beds (some a foot high) that the yard took about four hours to mow. At one point I hit an ants nest unlike the others; the ants were black and they didn't seem to have an above-ground mound, so I wasn't ready for their flying up at me. All of a sudden, they were all over my arm, down my shirt, and in my hair. Each bite felt like a lit match to my skin. I ran as fast as possible indoors and jumped in the shower fully dressed, which actually was good since the wet clothes made for a cooler mow. Plus, tons of pecans that shatter and explode when the blade hits.

Sunday afternoon, my cousin came over (she lives across the river) and we reminisced about childhood. I packed up more "stuff" (which seems to quietly multiply between visit) after she left, then got in the car and drove, first with the purpose of eating catfish (closed on Sunday--the Lord decreed it), then after getting a lesser bite to eat, I just started driving. Ended up at Wheeler Dam, about 15 miles away. I didn't spend much time at Wheeler when I lived in the area. Wilson Dam is more "famous," larger, two miles from my parents' house, so Sunday I actually went to some places around the dam to which, in my memory, I had never been.

I was lucky, as the sun was going down.

Just shut up and listen

Sheesh

I suppose no one enjoys hearing a screaming baby in WalMart.
Here are a few options for when you do, though:
1) Realize that mothers have few options when a kid begins to scream
2) Walk away to another section of the store where you can't hear the kid. WalMart is a big place
3) Slap the kid five times across the face to get it to shut the fuck up

What amazes me, frankly, is that this asshole was actually able to slap the child five times. And the mother allowed him to live afterwards. What patience!


Busted For Slapping Stranger's Crying Child
Georgia man, 61, threatened to "shut that baby up" at Walmart
SEPTEMBER 2--Meet Roger Stephens. The Georgia man, 61, was shopping Monday morning at a Walmart in Stone Mountain when he crossed paths with Sonya Matthews and her two-year-old daughter Paige. The child was crying, which apparently greatly perturbed Matthews. "If you don't shut that baby up I will shut her up for you," Stephens warned Matthews, according to a Gwinnett County Police Department report. Moments later, Stephens acted on his threat, slapping Paige "across the face approximately four or five times." Though the child "started crying and screaming" after being struck, Stephens told Matthews, "See, I told you I would shut her up." After police were summoned, Stephens told a cop that the child was crying "and he just slapped her," according to the report. Stephens was arrested for felony cruelty to children and booked into the Gwinnett County Detention Center, where he is being held without bond. Paige sustained "slight redness to the face," but was otherwise unharmed.